Trying to Find a Balance

In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester
Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper
You see me move back and forth between both
I'm trying to find a balance
I'm trying to build a balance
-Sean Daley

After a long period of creative burnout, and repeated fits of deep and unfocused thought about everything under the sun, I’ve come to the basic realization that a drunken five year old could have discovered.

26 years of life has passed with plenty of comedic ups and melodramatic downs, and at this point my perspective has lent itself to the belief that my existence is no more than a physical push-pull, emotional grappling contest with the forces of nature and the universe. What this means to the non-stoner, is that despite my best efforts to impose my iron will and somehow influence all circumstances that present themselves, I have to eventually accept that my new goal is to find a balance somewhere between the realms of alpha male assertiveness and a zen-style, unflappable form of apathy.

This may be easier said than accomplished, or even impossible altogether for most folks. The Buddha tried something along those lines, but it remains in question whether he actually enjoyed himself at all, sitting on a bench talking to himself for all those years, pondering the meaning of life and God knows what else. A few other stunaaaads, unworthy of any discussion on any blog, attempted it at various points in their meager lives I’m sure. But perhaps, it would be worth the effort to get off my ass and discover for myself, this metaphysical ‘grey area’ that leads to staying in the ‘zone’, 24/7. Maybe avoiding an attitude where the slightest setback makes me want to put a crater in my wall with a sledgehammer, would be a good place to start.

The reason I mention this nonsense is because it’s evident that our own makeup is a sample-sized part of a larger, and smaller, plane of existence. Cells make up various organs. Humans rely on the support of organizations. 50 oddly-shaped regions make up the United States. Planets revolve around stars, stars form constellations that are mistaken for astronomers’ horribly drawn stick figures, and constellations span across solar systems, and so on and so forth; yada, yada, yada. Each micro/macro universe can’t really exist without the individual components that are responsible for its sustenance. Yet, if one particular force gets too strong, the counterbalance of another force is weakened, making a return to that middle ground difficult.

Wars over resources, questionably attractive reality stars, nightly displays of bad luck on the news and hearing out about muhfuggas’ crippling nailpolish addictions on MTV*, have all caused me to stop and consider just how much negative energy clogs the main (vein) stream and hangs over the information superhighway like a black cloud over St. John’s. With that on-point metaphor in mind, I have to do what’s within my limited range of talents to add to the positivity of life, while attempting to uphold some kind of functional balance, and a bullshit code of ethics in my dealings. How can I do this, you ask? Why, its easily done by cracking as many jokes as possible to whoever is within earshot, attempting to bang as many chicks as possible despite the unlucky ones’ best efforts to ward me off, and giving singles to as many bums as possible (limit 5 per day). These “3 Pillars of G-Code” will help spread a cycle of benevolence and establish a heartfelt connection with my universal sidekicks. So while the rest of the world is out hording electronics, sneakers, and bad ideas...I’ll be living, friends and encourage you all to join me.

* Not sure if the nail polish addiction was scripted or not, but it gave me some colorful ideas for nights I’m short on booze money…

Freedom?

When one looks at human existence as a whole, it may be a common theme to question the grand purpose of it all. Perhaps it is within the individual to define their own, but if that were the case, why are we so adamantly told what to do on a regular basis? There are several elements who can take responsibility for this: parents, govenment, laws, advertisements, corporations, the education system, subliminal or outward messages in mass media, evolutionary biology and societal/peer pressure.

Each has come up with a systematic code of rules and regulations to dictate behavior, and in most cases also have a substantial say in men and women's desires, ambitions and final fates. Go to college, get a job, get married, hate yourself, have kids that repeat the process. We all know the story...

For some, this is the accepted fate. Others may rebel and ultimately find themselves trapped in the end against their will, regardless. Some are just lost to the undesirable outskirts of society and labeled misfits, bums, criminals or loons.

The select few who rise above the system, are often forced to abandon their own beliefs to appease the machine representatives that are lining their pockets. Many fall victim to the corruption within the system. Can they be blamed? Is poverty with a side of pure idealism really a better alternative than being a wealthy puppet in a time of economic hardship?

This leaves the question, does true freedom really exist? If not freedom of action or belief, how about freedom from judgment or persecution for making a decision or choosing a path that doesn't fit the mainstream way of thinking?

If the answer is no, which the current state of humanity suggests, then just how far have we really evolved as a species? Are we no better than animals who live their lives in cold blood, at the fickle whims of nature's calls?

Centuries ago, the church killed Galileo for being correct about the sun's place at the center of the solar system. Today, a relative genius who comes up with an alternative form of energy that would challenge the oil moguls in power, may catch a bullet to the dome without an apology. Humanity's collective resistance to positive change because of a few backwards schmucks in power raises even more burning questions.

If minds are told how to think from start to finish, how can true innovation continue? Perhaps only through a deeply-dug attitude of 'fuck these rules...I'm making my own form of progress'.

It may be considered a selfish philosophy and you may even make a few enemies along the way, but at least you will laugh with the gods at the end of the ride, as Bukowski would say. If you happen to disagree, then your reserved spot is waiting in the eternal line of the faceless.

Capitalistic Confusion:

The man stands confused beneath the bright and intoxicating lights of his surroundings, contemplating the direction of his next step. He is both distracted and withdrawn, as if his life was represented by a skim through random pages of a dull book: a passive effort for material that may be worth a continued read. A shameless whirlwind of contradictions has encased him in plain sight, adding momentum to his inertia.

An anti-smoking message is plastered on a bus-stop across the street from a tobacco shop. A gentleman’s club and an abortion clinic compete for business on the same block as a car dealership with several “no-parking” signs out front. A McDonalds and a hole-in-the-wall fitness center coexist and thrive side-by-side, like a binary star of conflicting interests.

With the absence of logic, depth or consistency to the elements that fill his senses, he presses on for answers that may never be found in today’s society. Where is his role in the madness? He silently wonders, as the world transforms into a floating, spherical banner-ad of agendas that one can’t just simply click off the screen.

Does he buy?... How much?

Or sell?...What item to whom?

Do his values mean anything in the grand scheme of things if they’re not profitable, cliché or flashy?

How does he salvage the little faith he has left in what can’t be measured in dollars and cents?

The questions became too thick to think through, forcing him into a final decision that involved a deep breath to collect his racing thoughts. Perhaps, his only option for sanity was the power of his own imagination…

“he said HE said …”

A corrupt hybrid pastor/politician was jailed for writing that God would smite a certain judge for giving him a probation sentence.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28180948/?gt1=43001

The following article excerpt contains what the pastor actually said.

“The man wrote that after being convicted and sentenced to probation in 2007 for paying people to vote in a Benton Harbor recall election, Edward Pinkney wrote an article in a small Chicago newspaper saying the judge who handled the case could be punished by God with curses, fever and "extreme burning" unless he changed his ways.”

Idiotic turn of events indeed… and decent enough fuel to swell the comedic fire. For starters, why bring God into this? The pastor was disciplined for trying to pay people to vote, and the judge was just doing his job in handing out a suitable sentence. Who the hell does this pastor think he is to volunteer God to threaten the judge for just following orders? This guy’s got some pair of balls.

Last I heard from his secretary, (her exact words…) ‘God’s got enough shit on his plate already, and he stopped taking retaliation requests months ago.’ As a person (according to the Bible) created in God’s image and likeness, I consider this an egregious abuse of religious power on the part of the pastor.

If you take a gander at the pastor’s threat in further detail, he maps out ‘curses, fever, and ‘extreme burning’’ as the exact methods of attack that he would choose, should God agree to his request.

Personally, if I were God, I wouldn’t pay attention to this idiot’s boring suggestions. Fevers are pretty easy to get rid of, and what the hell is ‘extreme burning’ supposed to be? How does he intend it to be any more vindicating than normal combustion techniques?

As for a counterpoint, the pastor shouldn’t have been jailed. Instead, everybody in the courtroom should have just laughed at him for trying to get God to actually leave his office, and come to earth to punish a judge. Everybody knows pastors hate being the ass of jokes, almost as much as they hate leading pious lives…

Another reason jail would be a step too far here, is because the man literally said the judge “could be punished…”. Not would, or will be, but could. What are the conditions involved? Whether or not God’s feeling a bit fatigued at the exact moment the pastor says: “Alright God, time to smite that dickhead of a judge..you up for it?” Maybe God doesn’t have the energy to give the judge a fit of ‘extreme burning’ that particular day. There’s not enough certainty in that statement for my tastes. I could wake up tomorrow with Ron Jeremy’s dick punching away at my ear. Is it possible? Sure. Will it happen? Hopefully not.

The next gripe I have is that the newspaper actually published this. Newspapers are supposed to print accurate truths, not violent petitions issed to deities by derranged clergymen . The paper didn’t even get a quote from God or his publicist Steve, confirming or denying the revenge request.

^^^ Irresponsible journalism at its best.

Is this some kind of a sick joke?

The week started off pretty darn good.

When I walked into the office Monday morning, nobody ran over to my cubicle, and screamed "get the fuck out of here". My fantasy team had an inspiring, epic, playoff comeback win. My mother finally made a dinner that wasn’t comparable to a bag of Purina Dog Chow, and I avoided a cell-phone ticket thanks to my friend, (the venerable Sean McRae) being related to the cop that flagged me down.

Then the bomb dropped….

The good people at Fox must have read my Return of the Mack post a few days ago, (ripping both the 9-year-old pseudo-pimp that published a book on dating and the network itself,) because they obviously wanted to stick it to me, just a little bit more uncomfortably.

This is classic irony, because I even insultingly referred to the original article, which was published on MSN, as being something of 'Fox-proportions'. What happens next shouldn't really be a surprise at this point, but Fox just continues to push the envelope in being totally useless.

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/movies.reuters.com-fox-adapt-9yearold39s-selfhelp-book-reuters


Turns out that according to the article, Fox wants to turn the book into a movie, and the kid is going to get a six figure deal out of it. I said in the original post that I wasn’t being a ‘hater’, but now this has clearly gone too far. In response to me making fun of Fox in print for the 70,000th time this year, I assume they've grown weary of my jabs and have decided to punish me by giving MY future movie deals away to midwestern children.


The above article quotes the kid on saying ‘not to wear sweats’ when approaching women. While this sounds practical, I will again refute this kid’s claims with yet another classic rap lyric. In Jay-Z’s ‘7-Minute Freestyle’ featuring the late legend Big L, Jay says the following:

“pullin R&B bitches...wearin’ hoodies”

For those of you who aren’t hip to the rap jargon, I’ll translate for you.

“I can attract pleasant-looking women with harmonious singing voices, all while wearing comfortable apparel.”

Now once again, Jay-Z, is currently married to Beyonce’, arguably one of the hottest chicks ever. And by his lyrics, it can be assumed that he courted her while wearing a cotton sweatshirt of some kind. Whether she is attracted to his wallet or not is irrelevant, because the lucky bastard still gets to ‘wax that ass’ on a regular basis.

My point here is that Jay-z is a much more accomplished ladies’ man, and I’ll take his word for it over some snot-nosed charlatan-in-training who gets compensated for diluting the movie and book industry.

Who are you gonna believe?

Entrance into the philosophical Doldrums: Madness ensues!

To quote myself before the start of this year’s NFL season:

“If the Jags go 4 and 12, I’m just gonna have to kill somebody.”

(Note: That’s 4 wins and 12 losses for those unfortunate few who may not understand sports record lingo/notation)

(Note 2: For any law enforcement agencies that may troll blog websites looking for cyber criminals: That comment was made in total jest, so put your firearms down and go after the real scoundrels.)

Well, great news awaits. My Jags have 9 impressive losses with three ‘should-lose’ games remaining, and look about as spirited as a Sudanese hospital’s Ebola virus ward. While I don’t have it in me to take the life of some unsuspecting prick, this does have a very draining effect on Sundays, which is supposed to be the most glorious day of the week.

When you’re a fan of an awful NFL team that keeps getting their asses kicked every week, it’s a feeling of bitterness comparable to being Scrooge on Christmas before his psychotic ghost-induced epiphany. Except the ghosts of Jaguars’ past are all retired or crippled by now, and probably want nothing to do with the franchise... (And they definitely won't visit me on Christmas Eve in an attempt to quell my dissapointment..)

My mother is becoming more of an intolerable pain in the ass with each passing minute, (for anybody that knows my mother, you may find that particularly humorous), and the monotonous daily grind is ruining my optimism and clawing away at the inner fringes of my soul.

What is left is another entrance into a fun – and maddening - existential crisis.
Fun: because it gives you a fresh perspective on things that you hate.
Maddening: because the answers to life’s burning questions can only hope to reveal themselves through the passage of time.

I actually don’t even hate my job; it’s just a bit taxing to shake off the gut-wrenching effects of having to hear slight variations of the following boring office voicemail greetings… hundreds of times a day:

“[Insert generic business person’s name here] has ‘stepped’ away from their desk.”

Many finish with the following line- that contains NO sincerity whatsoever.

“Your business is important to us.”… Leave a message and [generic business person’s name] will get back to you at their earliest convenience.”

^^^ DAMN LIES.

One anonymous guy even goes as far to make a note that "he'll be in and out of meetings over the Thanksgiving Holiday..." What kind of cryptic shit is that? And unless I've been cruely misinformed...'Thanksgiving' itself only lasts 24 hours; eerily similar to a lot of other days of the year.

Assuming I leave about 150(generous approximate figure) voicemails in a productive work WEEK, (Productive as in only taking breaks every 10 minutes instead of 5) maybe only 3 or 4 total people will get back to me. I’m not even joking.

I’m then left to wonder…what could these people do all day that prevents them from dealing with a 3-second phone call that so often ends with something to the effect of: “Not interested..no advertising budget.” or “Not interested..my company sucks.”?

My experiences with these so-called industry professionals lead me to speculate that the current financial problems are not the result of shoddy ‘expert’ advice, people unable to repay debts, or irresponsible money lending – but maybe the result of people in the mortgage industry just refusing to answer their phones. Ever. That has to be it. It makes perfect sense…

These people claim ‘the market is tough right now’ as an excuse for their lack of business balls to make any moves…but I’m not buying it. There’s a simple solution:

Answer your phone, dickheads. Return some calls once in a while. Then maybe you’ll have some more customers, and you won’t be out of business in two weeks. Problem solved. You don't have to shrink or expand your target market, or even come up with exciting marketing gimmicks. Just sit down at your fucking desk for a few minutes...reach out your hand..pick up the phone..and use it. Holy Jesus.

Even if I don’t reveal my identity as an evil ad solicitor, they still don’t answer the majority of the time. What happens if I was offering them millions of dollars, or eternal salvation, or entrance to the fountain of youth? Would they still be ‘in a meeting’ or ‘on a 8-hour conference call’ or ‘having afternoon luncheons with their favorite prostitutes’ then?

What I’ve come to discover, is that in order to make MY job easier, many of these companies should have alternate greetings that say this:

“Hello! It’s a great day at [insert generic company name]! If this is Gerard calling from the Mortgage Press, don’t bother leaving a message! We only have so much mailbox space, and we’re saving it for the real customers! We’re certainly not advertising, AND we hate you”

This should then be followed by a touch-tone prompt that says:

“If this isn’t Gerard, press 1:
“Go ahead and leave a message and we’ll get back to you. Really.”

I wouldn’t be insulted in the least if this actually happened. In fact, I’d really appreciate the workplace integrity.

This is the type of shit you think of when you've veered too far from functional sanity. Thanks for your support.

Return of The Mack

MSNBC.com has published another mind-blowingly pointless story(almost of fox-news proportions), this time about a 9-year-old 4th grader who wrote (and had published) a book on the art of seduction. That’s right. If you don’t believe me, the link is below.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/28038281/?GT1=43001

The kid apparently observed his peers around the playground trying to put the mack down, and wrote down his findings in a notebook. He now apparently gets approached by people with courting inquiries, and gets to go on book tours. I don’t care how pathetic my dating life can get, (which doesn’t get much better than a few mediocre-to-ugly chicks every couple of months), I still wouldn’t ask a 9-year-old for advice, and you shouldn’t either. He’s probably not allowed to be UP, let alone OUT, past 8:00 PM on weeknights without getting a nice helping of belt-buckle imprints on the side of his dome from his angry, drunken father.


Note: I’m not being a hater here, I’m just pointin’ things out…

What goes on in these 4th grade playground pimpin’ proceedings (no alliteration intended), that made this kid think he was such a self-proclaimed Casanova?

Boy: Hi. I like the Rugrats!
Girl: Me too!
Boy: Blow me.
Girl: Ok!

(^^ doubtful scenario, but you never know with these kids these days)

I don’t even know where to begin with the insanity, but I’ll try to start somewhere. First of all, he’s 9 fucking years old. He probably doesn’t even know how his dick works yet. I can barely understand mine. What the hell could he possibly know about women? About anything, for that matter? I’m going to be 23 tomorrow, and I still have the emotional maturity of an amoeba. I don’t see how this kid could be any better off. (Right now anyway, I can’t say for when he’s my age…he might just snap under the pressure of fame, and kill somebody by then.) The last time somebody was considered to be a ladies man that young, he turned out to be Michael Jackson.
Seriously, what happens if this kid decides later on that he likes dudes? Then the people who published the book, and the people who interviewed the kid, are going to look like fairly big fools.

He is referred to as a ‘dating expert’. Incredibly pretentious on his part. He has neither the authority nor expertise to publish such a manuscript. No way can a 9-year-old fully understand the workings of the female sexual psyche through the blunders of a few nimrods on a fucking playground. Plus, anyone can talk a big game. Let’s see this kid in action. Let’s see him go up to a supermodel or porn star and run his ‘video games and ice cream’ crap on her and see if it works. I bet the little prick will be walking back with his tail between his legs. Like the rapper Big L once said. ‘Put your raggedy house up [brother], or shut your mouth up.


This would be like me watching a 30-minute show on quantum physics or gene splicing, and then trying to write a book about it to establish myself as an authority in the field. If I really tried to do this, I bet it sure as fuck wouldn’t get published – and I would be regarded as less of a man than I already am. Maybe I will try it though, just to get my own book tour and video feature on MSNBC.com.

Later on in the interview, the kid classifies chicks into two categories: ‘pretty’ and ‘regular girls.

Here is his quote.

“Well, pretty girls … all they care about is their looks. She doesn't care about a boy liking her, or how a boy feels about her. It's just, "Oh, do I look nice?" Regular girls can be pretty, too. Plus, a regular girl has other things on her mind and is fun to be around.”

While there may be a bit of surface infantile truth to his sentiments, it still leaves a lot to be desired. He neglects to mention the other well-known category of women, the ones that don’t respect the men themselves, but only really like their cars and wallets and girthy (probably a fake word) meat sticks. He’ll figure that one out later on…

Well if ‘a regular girl can be pretty, too’, what’s the point of classifying them in the first place? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Plus if I were a girl, I wouldn’t want to be grouped with the rest of the ‘regulars’…I’d feel insulted and shortchanged. You know how these women are. Plus, what exactly even constitutes a ‘regular girl’? Feedback is encouraged.

Even though I dislike 50 Cent now, a few years back he had used the phrase ‘regular bitch’ in the song ‘Patiently Waiting’, and used it in a strictly insulting manner.

“Your Bitch a regular Bitch
You calling her Wifey
I fucked her... feed her fast food
You keepin' her Icey”

The kid and 50 clearly have a difference of opinion on the worth of a regular girl. And although 50 has since stopped making cool songs, he still has been romantically tied to several hot celebrities throughout his career, so in ‘matters of mack’, 50 has the more authoritative voice.


Now I’m not blaming the kid for this. More power to his 15 minutes of fame for duping the country into thinking he knows what he’s talking about. I'm blaming the jerks that are actually taking him seriously.

Honesty: The Costliest Policy?

Because I’m 6 weeks behind everything, I found out today that the NHL’s most hated player, Sean Avery, said the following quote (referring to one of his opponents dating his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert) in an interview during a morning practice session on Tuesday.

“I'm just going to say one thing. I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just wanted to comment on how, it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

Avery was then suspended for “inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game”, and will probably face more disciplinary action from the league and his team, the Dallas Stars.

I’m not an NHL fan in the least, however I do believe that this was the greatest thing ever said in a public forum. The fact that he was punished so harshly for it, is utterly ridiculous. He didn’t even use any profanity…he just stated a damn fact. The whole thing could have been avoided if people would find chicks that didn’t already fuck Sean Avery.

We have collectively reached a new low in the existence of mankind. Since when does a guy get slammed so hard (no homo) for just being honest? I thought integrity and honesty were supposed to be core human virtues.

Why would the reporters on hand even bring up his ex-girlfriend anyway? It has no relevance to the game in the first place, and then when they received a down-home, honest answer, he gets in trouble for it.


From what I’ve read…it seems as though Sean Avery is one of the biggest dicks in pro-sports. He’s allegedly made racist comments during games and has a fondness for toy dolls, but this comment was a truly unique (from strictly a sports-interview perspective) and humorous one, and deserves praise for its bringing some fun into the usually-boring world of sports interviews.

Think about it, 99.9999% of the time, unless a player, or coach is pissed off, he’s going to give boring, cliché, canned sports answers that 10,000 other guys said last year alone. I don't know why we insist on keeping it that way when it loses its luster after the 13th utterance.

Examples:
“It was a team effort.”
“Everyone contributed.”
“We wanted it more.”
“ We want to win.”
“As I held up the trophy in triumph, I fucked Jim after the game in the locker room .”

You get the idea. Avery went above and beyond the usually lame sports answer and took unnecessary heat for it. What happened to freedom of speech? Since when is this Tiananmen Square?

The fun has been sucked from our lives by these avaricious bastards in charge. Fuck.

Exclusive Interview with James Bond

After watching the penultimate James Bond movie Casino Royale, it has come to a unanimous decision within the tribunal of myself, myself, and myself - that James Bond (even without being portrayed by the immortal Pierce Brosnan) will retain the current title of ‘Illest Motherfucker Ever’ for at least the next 6-8 months, or until somebody does something more noteworthy within that time.

Bond of course was honored in my Top 5 Most Badass Characters in the History of Cinema piece back in January, and our fictional public relations people got a hold of the real James Bond live via satellite. He took a break from the fast-life of MI6 recon missions and international superpimpin’, for a little espionage-related Q & A session.


Bond: Yea this is Jimmy, what can I do for ya?

Me: James, thanks for joining us today. I’m a huge fan of your body of work, and It would be tough for anybody to deny that you’re one smooth bastard. Welcome to the worst website the net has to offer.

Bond: Yea, thanks I guess. Good to be here. What is this for again?

Me: …It’s an interview for my no-budget website. I wanted to ask a few questions about the supercharged secret-agent lifestyle for the readers at home. You wouldn’t happen to have a cold or something would you? You sound a bit different. I assumed you had a British accent in real life...

Bond: British? What the hell are you talking about kid? I’m from Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

Me: Wisconsin, huh? I always took you as a guy who enjoyed the warmer weather parts of the world. After all, you’re always cruising the blocks in those flashy convertibles that pale in comparison to my platinum Saturn.

Bond: Convertibles!?! Ha I wish. I had my license suspended years ago for driving around the neighborhood sloshed, and my wife drags my ass around in a ‘96 Ford Windstar that looks like somebody took a baseball bat to the side of the damn thing. Who’s giving you your information here, and how did you get my phone number?

Me: Disappointing drop-off Bond. Wouldn’t expect that coming from you. Anyway, who do you think did a more authentic job depicting your on-screen persona - Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery? I was always more of a Brosnan fan myself.

Bond: Nah I don’t like either of those Welsh knuckleheads. I like the old time guys.. John Wayne, James Cagney, Gary Cooper…now those guys could act, Goddammit.

Me: Neither Brosnan nor Connery were Welsh. And none of those other guys ever played you in a movie.

Bond: Played what? Who said they did? Why would I be in a movie?

Me: Hmm…Obviously this isn’t going in the direction I first saw, so on with the next question. Out of all the high-tech gizmos you’ve been able to use over the years in your world saving exploits, what was your personal favorite? I always wanted to get my hands on that Omega watch with the laser-capabilities so I wouldn’t have to rely on the archaic hand saw when trying my hand at some woodworking projects. Your thoughts?

Bond: Eh.. I’m not really in with all this new stuff but my sister-in-law bought me one of those plastic blenders a few years ago for my 30th wedding anniversary. I've been mixin the 'sauce in it ever since. How many more questions here? I’m a little busy...

Me: Just one more, James. It seems as though your actual life is a lot less interesting than the way Hollywood makes you out to be, but, how many times in a given day would you say you introduce yourself to people with your last name first, followed by a pause – and then an emphatic resound of the entire “James..Bond”, for dramatic effect?

Bond: I don't think I've ever done that. I usually just go by ‘Jimmy’.

There you have it... Bond like you’ve never seen him before.

As usual: nothing important.

Because of my broken shitty laptop that nobody can seem to fix, and my employers yelling at me every time I use the internet for non-work purposes, I have had to keep my musings bottled up in the rapidly fading storage bin that is my brain.

One too many pop-culture related things have gotten on my last nerve, and need to be shared with the world for the preservation of my own sanity.

I've seen about 18 news pieces in the past month dedicated to coverage on what kind of dog Barack Obama's family will 'adopt' when they enter the Whitehouse. The last one which really 'grinded my gears' as Family Guy's Peter Griffin would say, can be seen here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27702300/?GT1=43001

Not to disrespect Obama and everything he has accomplished, (because I'm really happy the reign of tyranny infused upon the country by 100% Caucasian nimrods has at least been put on hold for the time being) - but why the hell should it be necessary to drone on about a member of the canine species that will obviously have a more opulent life than most people for the next four years? I can understand one or maybe two pieces dedicated to the dog-infatuated reader out there, but once you see the headline 'What puppy should the Obamas get?' more than six times in a given week, complete with a reader poll, and 'pros-and-cons' analysis of the different choices and suggestions - it starts to get a little ridiculous. When Bush got elected and re-elected, you didn't have a poll asking the nation: "What country should we attack first when Bush gets into the Whitehouse?" followed by some choices and a political panel breakdown. (Although, I'm sure everyone would have found that more interesting.)

I have some news, the great Barack Obama doesn't care about what dog YOU think he should get. You casted your votes, you put him in office, got into violent, drunken political arguments along the way with other idiots that have no resolution, and now your role in the American political system has been served. In the end, just like every other real executive decision within a familial unit, Obama will end up getting bitched around by his wife and kids, and go with whatever fruity,uncool dog that happen to suit their tastes.

And another thing that irks me that has nothing to do with Obama, the looming obsession with vampires is really becoming a tired act. Every few years or so, another uncreative writer comes out with a book or TV series or movie, that centers around the fanged, 'nightmarish', and now overly played out creatures. George Carlin once said that zombies were unreliable - and now the same can be said for all things undead, including vampires and Raiders' owner Al Davis. (http://sports.espn.go.com/media/pg2/2002/0306/photo/aldavis.jpg)

Granted, I enjoyed the Blade trilogy because I was 13 and Wesley Snipes doesn't pay taxes and he's the man, and recently watched** a few episodes of 'True Blood' and it seems semi-interesting at times. (Note**: By 'watched', I really mean fast forwarded through the boring dialogue via HBO on demand to scour for short, unsatisfying sex scenes because my comp's broken and my woman recently kicked me to the curb)

I've read Bram Stoker's Dracula years back and I was more disappointed than amused. As I've discussed with resident Photoshop mastermind Phil Fresiello in several instances - how could Dracula possibly afford a mortgage on such a large castle, when he had no mentioned means of income and he just spent his time transforming into different vermin, and scaling the castle walls all day weirding out his guests? Somebody would have had to step in and repossess it at some point. Examples like these are why the financial industry is in shambles.

And how much more could even the most talented writer possibly do with vampire storylines while still sticking to the Vampire criteria? Great...they have fangs, they harass and bite people and suck their blood, they can't go out in the daytime, and wooden stakes and garlic kills them - and they've all been doing it all the same fucking way for thousands of years. BORING.

Within those parameters, there aren't a whole lot of wrinkles you could throw into it. Because they can't go leave their caves or wherever the hell they stay in the daytime, that limits them from getting real jobs, or biting people during normal work hours. The restaurant industry, which operates at night in many places, also disqualifies them because of the reliance on garlic-based ingredients in different types of cuisine. I could suggest vampires as porn stars or escorts because of their traditionally charming and charismatic personalities - but nobody that's not a serial killer wants to jerk off to/or pay for - getting their necks violently bitten.

And, finally, they can't be craftsmen or lumberjacks or carpenters, because they might get accidentally impaled on a sharp piece of wood and die. That doesn't leave a whole lot of options for creativity, and I hope the sad writers that keep forcefeeding everybody the vampire bullshit get this memo.

You know what paranormal beings I want to see more stories and movies about?

Computer programmers....

They're far more valuable to humanity, and their enchanting lore throughout history has gone largely unnoticed.

History's Greatest Con't...5-1

After a rushed and un-thorough(not a real word) examination of 'qualified' humans over the years to make up the list - we have now arrived at our top five. These five people have woven their radiant legacies into the fabric of humanity as examples for the rest of us to live by. They represent mankind's chosen ones - sent from a realm more magnificent than Earth to save lowly normal human existence from all things evil and lame.

5. Nasir "God's Son" Jones, Best Rapper Ever

"My mic check is life or death, breathin a sniper's breath

I exhale the yellow smoke of buddha through righteous steps"

-Nas, 'It Aint Hard to Tell'

Credentials: Any man who is capable of a poetic street masterpiece such as the 1994 album Illmatic - and any man whose superior talents place him at the apex of hip-hop for so long - deserves a spot in the top five of any list - even if that list happens to include the greatest people in history. After all, everybody knows good rappers are more important for the benefit of the status quo than someone unimportant, like doctors (unless it's Doctor Dre, who serves as both a rapper/producer, and a member of the American Medical Association) or police officers.

(Side Note -A counter-argument against the 'importance' of rap may say that some rappers lie or embellish their own reputation and status in their rhymes. Well, the same can be said for politicians - except you can't just turn off the radio or a politician's multi-platinum CD when you don't want to hear his nonsense anymore - and rappers don't usually raise your taxes.)

If that doesn't sell you on Nas' credentials, this definitely will.

In the 2001 song 'Got Yourself a Gun', Nas explicitly specifies in writing, the reasoning why he is placed in such high regard among both fellow rappers and the other nine members of 'History's Greatest People'.

"My first album had no famous guest appearances-

The outcome: I'm crowned the best lyricist"

There you have it. Legally binding claim recorded on-wax. Nas' newest album, 'Untitled', happens to be one of the most though provoking, inspirational albums I've ever heard.

4) Jesus "H" Christ, World Messiah (circa 0-33 AD), (or 6BC-27AD) ?

"Jesus is a hunk"
-Mary Magdalene to Vogue Magazine, Fall of 29 AD

Credentials: Although there have been claims refuting a large portion of the historical accuracy of Jesus' existence and/or accomplishments, I don't see that as a reason for leaving God's other Son out of the top five equation.

As the stories go, Jesus had a few world religions started because of his teachings, had an entire half of a holy-book written about him, healed blind men and lepers with his bare hands (even with primitive medical know-how of the times), raised a guy from the dead, and resurrected himself after only three days of death. Not to mention he's considered the only real 'model-citizen' left. Pretty impressive stuff.

However, I think his biggest accomplishment was morphing water into wine at a wedding to keep the bride and the groom from realizing they both just made the biggest mistake of their lives for a few more hours. That would be an incredibly valuable skill these days, considering the rising costs of ethanol, and the high statistical failures of the modern marriage. If Jesus' 'wine-morphed-water' was readily available, there would be less poor and homeless people. Instead of degenerate winos spending what little money they had on booze, they would be able to get sloshed for free, and invest their newly freed-up 'self-medication' funds into other areas - thus providing economic stimulation.

References to Jesus also have also become a semi-recent popular phenomenon on T-shirts and wristbands - including mention of Jesus as the 'homeboy' of various people; and rhetorical questions asked of 'what would he do?'(Side Note - Without giving a particular situation in mind, I think that question is rendered unanswerable without conjecture).

The only knock on Jesus' would be his 100% divinity keeping him from entering any future 'Mortal Kombat' Tournaments; and considering how boring they can be that might not be that big of a disadvantage. The mystery remains however, not on whether or not he actually existed or what historical role he may have served, but on what the "H" in place of a middle name stands for. One may guess "Harold", "Humphrey", or "Herbert"; but considering Jesus' was a Jewish man of Middle-Eastern descent according to historical accounts, I'd say "Hershel" may be a better guess.

3) Denzel Hayes Washington, Actor

"Denzel at 3?. Great fuckin' actor man. What can I say?."

-Jesus Christ on Denzel Washington being 'greater'

Credentials: A rational human being that's not me (which is everybody else in case you needed that clarified) may ask why Denzel Washington, an actor who is reportedly 0% divine (although on the silver screen one might think otherwise), is above the likes of JC - esteemed by many as the savior of humanity. That's a question that's pretty easily answered if you look into it.

If you've ever seen 'Malcolm X', 'He Got Game', 'Training Day', 'American Gangster', 'Manchurian Candidate', 'Fallen', 'The Siege', 'Remember the Titans', 'John Q', 'Man on Fire', (etc..you get the idea) or any one of Denzel's other epics, then you'll know exactly why.

While Jesus may or may not have performed miracles, Denzel's Oscar for Best Actor in 'Training Day', is alive and well. Plus, Jesus was the first(and probably last) guy to perform miracles. Denzel was the second (and most recent) African American to win an Academy Award for Best Actor. Just like the NFL, - life is a 'what have you done for me lately' league - and Denzel's box office productivity has outshined Jesus' box office productivity in the past 1967 years. Movies have been made about Jesus of course, but none of which actually had Jesus playing himself, and that's a strike against him here. Passion of the Christ's frontman Jim Caviezel(http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001029/) would agree with me.

2) George Walker Bush, 'President, Leader of the Free World' 2000-2008

"I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers...

now watch this drive."

-Dubya on his golf game

True greatness comes to us in many forms.

Sometimes it manifests itself in the display of some kind of rare talent. Sometimes it shines through charisma, or endearing patience and virtue. Other times it appears through a man's iron will to achieve his goals despite all adversity.

A few dictionary definitions of 'greatness' read as follows.

"Unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity"

or

"important; highly significant or consequential"

Nowhere in the above descriptions of 'greatness', do the words 'Bumbling retard' appear. And that's why George W. is up here.

(Note - For those of you unfortunate souls that know me personally, the 'bumbling retard' segue was not meant to refer to myself)

Only a man who is truly great, can say such awe-inspiring statements such as: "And they have no disregard for human life" and "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully", and still have any kind of a job, let alone remain the United States President.

Despite the seemingly endless series of mishaps that occurred over the last 8 years, the most impressive thing that Bush has done was lose an election for a House of Representatives seat in 1978, only to come back with a vengeance. A man who isn't believed competent enough to represent his own state government at nearly the lowest possible level - should by no means EVER be denied election to the Presidency of his country years later. Pure greatness embodied.

We as Americans, (or Confederates, Canadians, Icelanders, Brazilians, Saudis, Kazakhs that aren't Borat, Mexicans, Tibetans, Phoenicians, or wherever the hell else we may be from), have learned a valuable lesson from the life's work of George W. Bush. No longer will men or women with single-digit IQ's be confined to play-pens and cells with padded walls. Now simply by being born into wealth and fucking up every possible opportunity, - they too, can rise to prominence and lead the masses into an era of unprecedented failure and bedlam.

And now, the greatest individual ever to walk the earth....

1) George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

- George Carlin

Now for a George with a worthy talent that actually belongs on this list. Despite the fact that Carlin shared a slight visual resemblance to Charles Manson in his younger days, (see picture to right) Carlin couldn't have been further from a cult-leading psycopath.

Carlin could take any topic or subject known to man (whether it was on its own interesting or not), no matter how racy, obscene, or irreverent - and turn it into a joke. Not just a simple or basic one-liner that offered a few snickers here and there - but a well-thought, hilarious, piercing, memorable tirade that ended with lots of laughs and stimulated minds. He used the humor in all facets of life as a way to unite and inform; and he didn't steal other people's jokes like some other lackluster pseudo[bad] 'joke tellers'. (Cough.....Dane Cook)

According to Wikipedia- "Carlin was present at Lenny Bruce's[another notable and controversial comedian] arrest for obscenity. As the police began attempting to detain members of the audience for questioning, and asked Carlin for his identification. Telling the police he did not believe in government issued IDs, he was arrested and taken to jail with Bruce in the same vehicle."<<<<<<>

Carlin taught the world to stop being a bunch of self-righteous pussies, and just go out there and have some fun. If it happens to be at the expense of somebody 'important', oh well.

For the better part of four decades, Carlin 'stuck it' to the man with his timeless, truthful, and humorous jabs at the obvious problems in society. His untimely death over the summer leaves us again with the sad knowledge that everybody cool is either dead or no longer gets the respect they deserve. Everything that sucks will continue to propagate, unless somebody puts a fierce stop to it. That someone..........

....is me. (cue dramatic music)

Honorable Mention

I know some worthy people were left out of the top 10. Here's a few who didn't quite make the cut, but had some valuable contributions to humanity.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - CREDENTIALS- Civil rights champion

Gerard Fitzgerald - CREDENTIALS- B.S. in Journalism from St. John's University, over 36 different jobs in the last five years, creator and mind behind landmark website Gpocalypse.blogspot.com

Leonardo Da Vinci - CREDENTIALS- Original Renaissance Man, inventor, artist

Mohandas Gandhi - CREDENTIALS- Spokesman for Satyagraha/civil disobedience

Rashean Mathis - CREDENTIALS- Jacksonville Jaguars standout cornerback, started in 2006 Pro Bowl and finished season with eight interceptions. Jaguars' franchise leader in defensive touchdowns

Franklin Roosevelt - CREDENTIALS- Only US President to be elected to more than two terms, helped lead nation out of Great Depression

Top Ten Greatest People in Human History (10-6)

I haven't done any countdowns in a while and they're always the most fun to do because of their built-in suspense and debate provoking factors, regardless of whether they're serious or not. Usual work task negligence has spurred me to come up with a list of the greatest contributors in the relatively short history of mankind. This is in my eyes of course, as many historical pundits might argue the 'grand-scheme of things' importance of some of the list's representatives.

10 - Marilyn Monroe

"A career is born in public -- talent in privacy" - Marilyn Monroe

"Everybody loves tits" - Gerard Fitzgerald

Credentials: Marilyn Monroe, aka Norma Jeane Mortenson, had a storybook career that entailed marriage to one of the greatest hitters of all time in 'Joltin' Joe D, alleged flings on motorcycles with resident stud JFK, a few mediocre movies, and the reputation as one of the earliest American sex symbols. With a resume that included being the first ever cover-girl for then risque Playboy (always a poor excuse for a real man's porno magazine), Marilyn's accomplishments let every future woman around the world with a dream and a sweet pair of tits believe that they have a shot in this sick, cold world. A normal list might have included Joan of Arc at this spot, but frankly she probably just wasn't hot enough, and she didn't slam any U.S. Presidents or Hall of Fame outfielders.

9. Ötzi the Iceman

"....." - Translation Unknown

Credentials:

While his tangible contributions to mankind may be limited (perhaps a few fires lighted with sticks, or a few extinct mountain-dwelling animals hunted), the lasting contributions of Ötzi simply can not be ignored. Ever since his 1991 discovery by a couple of German tourists in an Alps glacier, Europe's oldest mummy(circa 3300 BC) has shed light on human life during the Chalcolithic (Copper) Period - where tools made out of copper instead of stone began to surface. Otzi was a rare blend of size and speed in those days and had NFL scouts salivating at his 5'4, 110 lb physique. According to Wikipedia, "Ötzi's clothes were quite sophisticated. He wore a cloak made of woven grass and a coat, a belt, a pair of leggings, a loincloth and shoes, all made of leather".

Not only did this guy create some nifty tools, but he was also quite fashion savvy.

Therefore, it was the creativity of Otzi and his precocious contemporaries, that was responsible for future sweat shops, , factories, the industrial revolution, Nike,- and eventually communism.

8. Bill Walsh, NFL Head Coach 1979-1988

"He was a great conductor that took tremendous pleasure from putting the pieces of the orchestra together." — Former 49ers star Brent Jones.

Credentials: One of few men that actually belong on this list, and the most brilliant mind behind the legendary West Coast Offense - Bill Walsh coached the 49ers to three Super Bowl victories in the 1980s. He was inducted into the NFL's Hall of Fame in 1993, and his press conference clips were included in one of the best Coors' Light commercials before they started getting really lame and banal. The careers of NFL icons Jerry Rice and Joe Montana (as well as the start of Steve Young's career) all flourished under Walsh' tutelage.

While his accomplishments on the sidelines (and in the beer advertising realm) speak for themselves, Walsh's influence, direction, and philosophies extended beyond his own players, and have spilled onto the coaching ranks throughout the NCAA and the NFL. The fact that Walsh has had more disciples than Jesus over the years, can be seen in this coaching tree. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Walsh_Coaching_Tree3.GIF. (Note: the worst thing that Bill Walsh's disciples have done is lose a few ballgames and get fired; many of Jesus' disciples have started wars, claimed tax exemptions while touching little kids, and bombed abortion clinics.[Note- Sidenote: I don't hold Jesus is at fault for the transgressions of his supporters).

7. Alexander the Great, Conqueror 353-326 BC

"There is nothing impossible to him who will try.”" - Alexander the Great

Credentials: Hands down, the coolest monopolizer/conqueror (and arguably the most famous half-Macedonian) in the history of mankind.

Wikipedia claims that "Alexander and his exploits were admired by many Romans who wanted to associate themselves with his achievements...Julius Caesar wept in Spain at the mere sight of Alexander's statue; when asked to see other great military leaders, Caesar said Alexander was the only great one." He did what Julius Caesar tried and failed to do centuries before, which was take over the damn planet, and did it a lot better without getting shanked by a mob of his homies.

Alex the Great was schooled by Aristotle, encouraged relations with exotic, foreign women (pumps fist), and was hailed as the 'demi-god' largely responsible for Hellenization throughout the bulk of the ancient world (from Greece, through Egypt, all the way to the Himalayan mountains). And, he definitely was not as gay as they depicted him in the movie. Fuck you, Hollywood.

6. Bernabe Williams

"Don't be afraid to take risks. Make the most of your journey. Make it fun and exciting." - Bernie Williams

I love this guy...(no homo)

Very few men in history have had the illustrious hallmark career that Bernie has had without 'roids and adultery. Not many guys have taken naps during batting practice, and woke up to go 3-for-4 in a playoff game (loosely quoting Derek Jeter from Bernie's 'Yankeeography'). Not too many guys have been the heart and soul of four World Series champion teams. And as far as I know, only ONE MAN IN HISTORY has eight consecutive .300 seasons, four American League Gold Gloves in Centerfield, a batting title, capture of the Major League Postseason Home Run record (before Manny broke it) AND a smooth-sounding jazz/soul guitar record. (http://www.berniewilliams.com/)

And to cap it all off, Bernie has been called 'the best player in baseball' by me at least 67 different times, all of which meant to be statements of 105% sincerity. He has also had his name invoked in efforts to win arguments on topics that may have been completely unrelated to baseball or jazz music.

as the famous catchphrase goes....

Bernie Fuckin' Baseball

Stay tuned for 5-1 in the next installment.